Today is tuesday, miss her alot. my cute adorable "ex".. haiz..i guess i'm drunk again. drunk alot of beer almost everyday. Dunno what to do. For the one being the bad guy, saying i ting de chu.. i finally realise i'm bluffing myself. cheating myself for really deep down in my heart. I LOVE HER. Miss her.. Want her by my side. But then whats done cannot be undone. Cannot even remember her house number. Canceled her m1 number. How am i suppose to apologize to her?

Been like the park for 1 hour plus? i do not know. Drinking beer, listening to only 2 mp3....repeating again and again. My favorite was "everytime we touch". But the more i listen, the more heart broken i felt. Why? Why can't you wait for me? i know its very long for me to try. after we break for about 10 days plus, the knowing that she have a new bf really makes me sad, pain, heart broken. And the more she said that he is gd, he is gd... makes me feel that she found a special someone.... someone who can take care of her unlike me. Someone who dotes on her more... someone she can marry? For God sake.... everytime i tink of it. Reminds me that 2years plus of relationship does not compare to 2 weeks or less.

Yes he can give you this and that. I really would like to do that. She told me that he left 100 bucks to live. Hell i got 100 bucks i could not do anything more special.. Why? cause You live at my house, i worry for food, worry for whats going to happen, what you want to buy. But she doesn't understand it i guess. Really sometimes i think its not fair. During my time. I only have myself to worry, to share with, not telling anyone else my real problems. But does anyone care? No! when shes upset, she got lots of friends calling her how she is. When its me, who do i have? Fuck man.

Its like everyone and everything is going against me, Guys have to stay strong? I tried all sorts of methods to stay strong, but than again when i am alone.... i tink things. i tink terrible tings, i drink, drink till i'm broke or what i still drink. everyday drink! But i still can't get her out of my mind. Someone just brain wash me for goodness sake. Even xintian, even jessie, even anyone could get out of my life and i still can ta han everything. But why her? even thou she is my longest, it does not make sense to me right now. Hurt i am, but i cannot do anything. Trying my best to flirt... yea right flirt. I dun flirt. Or even thou people say i may flirt. But i regard everyone just my friend. Fcking piss off when she dun understand. Fck it. FCK!!!!!

Now is 3am.. just now went to park remember all the things and drink beer.. vomitted i also dunno y... Haiz, Really pek chek in myself. Cannot pull myself together again. Tried to call her m1 number also. 4 get her house phone, this is so fuck up. but maybe its lucky for her... at least i cannot contact her anyway seems like the best for her. At least to her maybe i am the worst guy that is in this world. Screw it. Really fuck man. Haiz~ Can't understand why why why did i work so hard to plan everything till this year. Get good job, convert to perm staff, after a few months than marry her. Wanted to save to buy her the hello kitty ring. Fck Why?